Sadly, our two oldest girls barely acknowledge each others existence. From the moment M (14) entered our house she has been intensely jealous of Se (16). No adoption books that I have read prepared me for the kind of sibling conflict that can arise in adopting an older child. I realised that it would take time to develop relationships but I never dreamed we would be almost at the one year point and still struggling. All of our other children are aware of the tension between the girls, in fact the other day, A (11) came to me and asked why they never speak to each other. It grieves me to no end that two of my children can't even tolerate being in the same room with each other.
I've come to the conclusion however, after countless hours of talking to both girls about this, that there is nothing we as parents can say or do to make them like each other. Only God can change their hearts. In many ways I understand Se's reluctance to trust M. Every time she has tried, M will be nice for a day or two and then turn on her. Se hasn't been perfectly innocent in all of this, she has made mistakes too, but I would say that 95% of the problem has stemmed from M and her jealousy.
I do have a praise I want to share...
The other day, M sat down beside me on the couch and talked for over an hour. She shared every detail she could remember about waiting for us in the orphanage, meeting us and her first few days home. She told me how much she had wanted to meet Se and how nice Se was to her. (I was shocked by this and excited that she remembered) Then she told me about children in the orphanage who waited for months for their adoptive families to arrive only to have them get there, see the child and change their minds. I'm sure there was a lot more behind those instances than what M told me but to a her, it boiled down to another rejection. She shared with me that she was afraid we would get to Ethiopia and then decide we wanted a different child too. Then her eyes filled with tears and she said "I'm so sorry for the way I treated you Mommy. I love you!" and she gave me a big hug. I was SHOCKED!! M has never once apologized to me for ANYTHING! I know she really had to humble herself to be able to do that. I was happy that she apologized, but even more so that she finally opened up to me. She has shared lots of stories with me about her life in the orphanage and before, but never any of her feelings or fears. I Know these fears can be paralyzing and I continue to pray that over time she will open up more and more. Meanwhile I am praising God that M has gotten to the point where she can admit she has been wrong and sincerely apologize!
The next day M came to me and said "Mommy, I never say thank you. thank you for doing school with me, thank you for cooking good food, thank you for my clothes and stuff. I love you." Another shock! I am hoping that this is part of that magical "one year home" mark that everyone talks about!
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2 comments:
So good to read an update; I check here all the time! I have four daughters; two sets of two. They have been, at times, each others' best friends and worst enemies. You have put together two strong individuals with no history together. Once they develop some memories together, it's possible they'll develop their own type of friendship. It's entirely possible they'll always be cool towards one another, however. All you can do is expect them to be civil and Christ-like with one another. Gotta be tough but it sure is wonderful to see your M breaking down some walls!
Thank you for sharing this. I've been wondering how it was going. Praying for all this...it looks like God is working on your daughter's heart. :)
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